The Cycle

It's happened again.

The stupidity.  The naivety.  The unrealistic hope.
The hope that maybe, this time... I don't know.

Maybe this time I could get my way.  Maybe I wouldn't have been so trusting, so willing.  Maybe he could have been different.  He was the same.
They're all the same.

I held out for something that could never happen.  I hoped the truth (and the truth about me) wouldn't matter.  But the truth always matters and always sets you free.
      I didn't want to be set free, this time.  I wanted to he captivated in the dream world of lies that I had created.  I yearned to live in the denial that I had so artistically formed... maybe part of me is still there.

Maybe that's why it's so hard.

Impulse

Confused and troubled, yet
delighted all at once.
I find myself trapped on the
border of two very
different worlds.

I am enslaved by my own thoughts,
dilemmas.
"There is now easy way,"
I tell myself.

Of course, I'm lying.

Overcome by passion
I give in
to the

impulse.

Not so much as to feel
remorse, yet
enough to know what I
ought not have done.

      Some part of me wishes it never happened.
            Most of me lusts for more.

Hypocritical?

Perhaps. But no more than the likes of you.

Flustered

I'm flustered whenever I think about him.
      It's annoying and wonderful at the same time.
Nobody's ever... I mean, I've never... been so flustered.

All sexy and beautiful.  His game is impeccable.
My self control is being tested, big time.

The message rings loud and clear in my head, but my guts churn and I cant turn away.   I'd swear I've been flying, but my brain's keeping me grounded.

Thanks, brain.
...Seriously.

Damn These Morals

The title speaks for itself.

My Message to the Mis-Informed

You say that people should get married young because of sex. To me, this screams immaturity. How can you think that this is a good enough reason to promise to someone that you are going to devote you life to them as long as you live; till forever...

I understand that sex is an important part of being married, and you’re right when you say that it is a stumbling block for young people. Forget young people, it’s a stumbling block for all people. But sex is not just a prize to be won, and it’s not simply a goal that to be reached. Should we want sex? Yes. Should that be the reason we get married? Hell no.

Don’t you think that people should be able to practice a little bit of self control and keep their hormones in check? If being a virgin is something that is important to you, then it’s a value you’ll hold on to as long as you can. If you fall easy to temptation, then how important was this value to you in the first place? There are always going to be obstacles for you to overcome, but God doesn’t throw things at us that we can’t handle. And are you naive enough to believe that once you’re married there aren’t going to be sexual temptations from other women other than your wife? Married people struggle with sexual temptation too. Just because you’re “allowed” to have sex when you’re married, doesn’t mean all the temptations go away... And it doesn’t mean you’re gonna be able to have sex whenever you want. There is more to being married than the passionate act of love. 

Marriage is hard. Ask anybody. Even the best marriages have their trials. Getting married young means that you are going to have more years of those trials. Getting married young means that you don’t know the person as well as you would if you waited a bit longer before you married them. Do you want there to be a ton of surprises when you marry a person? I want the man I marry to be my best friend, not just my object for sexual desires. 

Getting married just to have sex shows personal and spiritual immaturity. Grow up a little bit.

Marriage is a life long commitment. When you get married, it’s not just your bodies that become one through sex, your souls become one too. You’re connected to that person. You have to be willing to accept that person for everything they are, their faults and all. You have to be accepting of them, and love them in spite of all their flaws. You have to trust them and be comfortable with them. You have to have a friendship, a strong emotional base to always fall back on when the passion isn’t there (because guess what, the passion wont always be there). You have to be able to talk with them, console them when they’re sad, and laugh with them when they’re happy. You have to understand their hopes and dreams, and be part of those. You have to compromise and change. Sometimes, getting married at a young age robs you of these opportunities, and you have to make up for it when you’re already married. How hard would that be? I cant even imagine.

Sex is a wonderful thing, at least, that’s what people keep telling me. I believe them too, because sex is a gift from God. But this gift is meant to be all things beautiful and holy. Yes, holy. If the only reason you’re getting married is to receive the gift, then its purpose is tarnished.

God has a plan. Maybe his plan for you is to get married when you're 35, or maybe it's in 2 years. In any case, the reason you get married shouldn't be to bang your wife, it should be because you love her.

It's Not Fair

I still think about him... all the time.

Okay, not all the time.  But it's often enough that warrants a bit of concern.  It's so stupid.  

     Stupid that I get jealous when I see photos of him with other girls online.  Photos of girls who are uglier than me.  None of it makes sense. 

I would have done anything to be with him, but that was then.  Now, I would give anything to keep away from him.  But then the memories come.  The dreams and feelings of romance, passion and comfort.  The lies I told myself then, still haunt me now.  Years later, and I am plagued with thoughts of him; images of him; longings for him.

I don't understand it.  I cant grasp these feelings; they're too quick, too sharp.  Him lying was the best thing for me, it gave me freedom. 

Why has the freedom compromised itself? 

I don't want him.  Nothing in me needs him.  Even-still, the thoughts come.

Get out of my head.

Story Rhymes like Old Times

Some little things change but the premise stays the same: bitches be crazy, we play our silly games.

He likes her but she shows no interest.  This guy'll keep tryin': risk it to get the biscuit.

Get'im out'a here, she don't want yo business.  How can I say dis boy, you ain't on her wish list.
       
          This poor sucker'll keep pressin' till there's no more to be done.  Then her force'll spring back, and

          another round she's won.

The crazy fool wont quit, he think's the prize is worth the struggle.  But this girl's got'im beat and be    

          makes another fumble.

But when this boy is down and feels like he should quit, something unexpected happens: an

          unforeseeable shift.

A satin hand reaches down to his, fingers soon intwined.

He picks himself up and leaves the past behind.

Questions and Things...

Could you handle a long distance relationship?

If both of us were willing to make it work, and we already had a solid foundation, then yes.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?

There probably is, unfortunately. 

Do you laugh a lot?

Most of the time.

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

She's a friend of mine :)

Do you think you're pregnant?

Most definitely.. NOT.

You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?

Since I already have my nose, I'd get my tongue. Does that count? If not, then my lip.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?

"Stand by Me" on my foot, scripture on my right wrist and blue butterflies on my right shoulder onto my neck.

Could you cry right now?

If I really really tried, probably.

Who was your last text from?

Becca, I think

Who is your fifteenth text from?

I'm not getting up to check my phone

In the past week, have you cried?

I don't think so!

Do you like hugs and kisses?

Obviously.

Has there been anyone particular on your mind at all today?

Nope.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?

Generally happy.

Have you ever gone to court?

Nope.

Anyone you’re looking forward to seeing soon?

YES.

What did you do today?

watched tv, ate, chilled. The day is young.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Oh, of course.

Does anyone disgust you?

Yep.

What’s something you can’t wait for?

Going back to kitimat.

If you see someone you know do you wave at them?

Yep.

Look at some pictures/posters in your room, who’s on them?

In my room in the apartment, there's 4 posters and a Bolivian flag. 

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

The answering machine at my parent's house.

Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yes

Have you ever worked in a food place?

Nope.

Are your lips chapped?

No

What is something that you don't like about the room you're in?

It's really cold.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed on the lips?

Yep.

Is your room ever clean?

it's been really clean lately because of all the showings.

Do you drink bottled water?

Not that often.

Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Not really.

Do you hate the last person who called you?

Nope.

If you are being extremely quiet, what does that mean?

I'm sad, tired, or have nothing to say on the matter.

What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

was on the laptop

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?

Honestly, I really don't think so.

List three things near you?

Jacket, lamp, book.

Is your birthday soon?

In just over a month!

Do you like winter?

Sometimes.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

A few weeks ago.

What's bothering you right now?

How cold this room is.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?

SFU hoodie

What's your favorite song at the moment?:

Hm, I don't know!

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

Oh yes.

Are you currently frustrated with someone?

No, not really.

The phone rings. What do you say?

Hellooo?

Did you sleep alone last night?

Yep

Last thing you drank?

Tea.

Do you like surprises?

If they're good ones, you bet!

How old do you look?

I think I look my age.

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them?

Yes.

I'll bet you are afraid of roller coasters.

Yes, but I really really love riding them.

Do you miss anything or anyone?

Most definitely: my family, friends and Kitimat.

Do you think "I love you" are strong words?

yes

How was your weekend?

It's been good so far

Have you ever watched a movie in another language?

Yep.

I bet you're going to kiss someone tonight, right?

Nope.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?

Margaret

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I couldn't tell ya! 

Gotten high in the past week?

Nope.

Have you ever had stitches?

Nope.

How did you sleep last night?

Really well!

How tall is the last person you kissed?

Hm... I'd guess about 5'9"-10"

Do you have any pictures on your wall?

Not anymore :( I took them down cause I'm moving soon.

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah, sometimes.

Did your last kiss mean anything?

Sure... I really wanted to make out with someone, hah! But emotionally? No, not at all.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?

Oh, most definitely.

I Hate Myself and...

I find myself in this impeccable paradox; I am caught between two worlds.  Technophobe or technophile?  To text or not to text?  To Facebook creep, or not to Facebook creep?  These questions haunt me with each new man I meet and become infatuated with.  There are rules to follow, and games to play, and quite honestly, I am exhausted from them.  I am tired of trying to think of witty things to ask or say in order to capture a man’s attention with high hopes that he will respond in a quick and satisfying manner.  Technology has taken over my life.  I hate what it’s done to me.  I hate it so much.  

  What happened to the days where you could talk with someone face to face?  What happened to the days where there were no Facebook profiles to keep tabs on a person every second of every hour?  What happened to the days where if you wanted to talk so someone, you could call them on their phone, and if you didn’t reach them, you left a message? (Okay, so that last one there is a bit of a stretch, but you see what I’m trying to say here...).  What I am trying to get at is that technology is making it so much more difficult for people to have a relationship with someone.  Technology is making people miserable.  Technology is turning me into a crazy person.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love technology.  I realize I haven’t been clear about that... But I really do love technology.  Honestly, the thing’s I’ve mentioned like Facebook and text messaging play a significant role in my daily life.  These things help me stay in touch with friends and family, keep up with things that are going on in the world around me, and abuse my right to freedom of speech.  The technologies themselves are wonderful inventions.  The men who invented these things should get a medal, if they haven’t already.  It’s not the inventions that I have an issue with.  The issue lies in what the inventions do to me.

  It’s because of technology that I become incredibly obsessed over men.  It’s because of Facebook that I feel a false sense of closeness to a man who I’ve only met once, and am crushed when he doesn’t return the interest; and it’s because of Facebook that I stoop into a state of incredible jealousy whenever I see these men in question post comments on other girl’s walls or “like” their beautiful profile pictures.  If it were not for text messaging, then I would not be in a constant wondering of what he is doing or who he is with, and why he isn’t returning my messages!

  This is where my quandary presents itself with the uttermost discomfort.  If I am unhappy with what these technologies are doing to my psyche, then why don’t I just get rid of them?  The answer is simple: Because I can’t.

     I hate myself, and want to text.  I hate myself, and want to creep.

Things.

There are things I don't understand.

To be honest, there are a lot of things I don't understand.

I don't understand why a man will ask for a girl's number, then never call her.  I don't understand why some guys think that they are always right.  I don't understand most mathematical equations.  I don't understand women who treat men as objects.  I don't understand "nice bitches." I don't understand why Americans call rockets "smarties." Clearly, our smarties are actually smarties.

I don't understand why I get jealous when I see a guy I'm not even that interested in going after another woman.  I don't understand why I need attention.

----------

I am intoxicated right now.  In fact, I am so intoxicated, that writing this blog post is quite difficult.  It's difficult because my hands are not working the way I want them to, so it's taking a lot of extra effort to type properly.

I'm most definitely drunk.

I like being drunk.  I don't really know why... well, that's not entirely true. I like being drunk because my feet go numb.  Yes, my feet.

----------

Sometimes, I get really self conscious.  I think about how much weight I've gained in the last few years - it's kind of disgusting, when you think about it too long.
         I also get self conscious because I feel like I'm not as pretty as other girls.  I've always been this way.  I don't know why.

----------

I need to be careful about what I say.  Sometimes, what I say is taken out of context.  I suppose that is true of most people, but,  I hate it when it happens to me.  I don't like being the bitch; especially when it's unintentional.  I don't like it when people think that I am being malicious or dishonest.  I always try to be honest.

I don't like fights over the internet or text messages... it gets too messy too quick.

To be honest, I don't really like text messages.  I think they're destroying the way we communicate with each other.  They serve their purpose, but they're destroying my psyche.

They're the over-thinker's worst nightmare.

----------

Sometimes, I get sad.

----------

Lately, I've been... well, I've been in this weird mood.  This awkward, self conscious mood.  There isn't really any other way to describe it.

----------

I feel lost.
I feel like I am walking down a path
Eyes covered with a blindfold.
I don't like it.

Ever feel that way?
Like you're going no where, fast.
Aimlessly wandering, with no direction.
I feel that way.

----------

It's 2:27am.
I am wearing blue mascara.
I am intoxicated.

----------

Once upon a time, there was a guy who told me I was brilliant.

I didn't believe him.
I still don't believe him.

You see, brilliance hasn't chosen to manifest itself in me.  Maybe someday, but not right now.

If I were brilliant, I would be able to eloquently articulate what I aim to say.  However, I am often unable to do such a thing.

----------

Sometimes, simplicity is the best thing.  Stop trying to be funny (I tell myself).

----------

None of these things make any sense.

I have run out of words...

Hollow Words

Empty and lost.
Broken and Confused.

Things I feel. These waves of emotions,
they make
no sense.

I've got a wonderful life in the palms of my hands but I feel as though the ground is falling beneath my feet.

Dazed and wandering.

I have no direction, my intuition's crushed.  I'm walking around with my eyes closed, and I feel the need to rush.
What's the rush?  When lost, take the time to find a way.  When broken, slowly put the pieces back together.  Sometimes, all you need is time.

----------

I need to take a serious look at my life and re-evaluate what I'm doing, and where I want to go.  This feels like a bad thing, but I's imagine it's because I feel out of wack.  In reality, this feeling is normal. (At least, I think it is...).

School is killing me slowly. I hate it.  And the fact that I hate it is frustrating, because I love learning.  I love knowledge.  I just feel like I'm stuck and going no where.  I know where I want to end up, but I've lost the path on how to get there.  Can somebody get me a guide book?  A 'University Degree for Dummies' maybe?

Sometimes, I wonder if I've ever really "had it all together."
Is that even possible?

Isn't there always something to work on? ... In a way that's cool, but in another it's depressing.

----------

I am really looking forward to the summer.  For the first time in three years I am seriously anxious for the summer months back in Kitimat.  To be doing nothing in a small town is normal.  To be doing nothing in a city is sad.  I'm sad.

I miss my family.  I miss everything familiar.  I miss being able to drive a vehicle to escape to my favourite hiding places.  I don't have any hiding places in the city.

I am just lost.

I miss the nature; the trees and the water.  I miss how close the stars feel.

----------

I need to quit rambling.

Poems

I wish I could write poetry.

I don't mean the kind of poetry that you write for your mom for her birthday, or for a lover who you've been with for a while.  I wish I could really compose a work of art.

To be able to scribe thoughts into verse, plainly and honestly: that is what I want to do.  If only I could break free from the rules of rhyme scheme and alliteration and metaphors.  Maybe then I could truly express my thoughts through a poem.

I don't really like poetry.

I don't mean that, really.  What I mean is, is that I don't enjoy analyzing poetry; like the way you used to in grade school.

To scrutinize a stanza seems meaningless.  A poem's purpose is not to reflect an inherently true message, but instead, to invoke an emotion of the reader.  Does it really matter what the poet intended?  What matters is that the person engaging with the piece feels something.
Anything.

I wish I could write poetry.
The kind that make people feel something.  The pure, honest emotions that each one of us harbours inside.

Of the Top of My Head

Was I naive to believe that
This guy would ever call?
He kissed my face
With style and grace
But didn't care for me at all.

I am afraid of looking weak
and I am terrified to admit,
That though my chances were awful bleak
I had hoped he liked me, just a bit.

Fast forward a smidge
Lets skip to the point
Quite frankly, this dude is wack.
Since he couldn't give two shits about me,

He means nothing to me right back.

Chix-Gotta-Lotta-Thoughts...

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately.  I have tried many times to put my thoughts onto paper (er, onto the internet, in this specific case), but I've been so frazzled and mixed up that nothing has come out as artistically or definitive as would have liked.  However, I have decided to screw the desire for any kind of structural accuracy or flow and just write exactly what I'm feeling in any way I feel necessary.

Ready? Good... because I'm not so sure I am.

First things first: Let's talk about men.

I did a little look-see, and the last blog entry I wrote was about some radio guy that I was really into.  As you probably could've guessed, things
didn't
   quite
      work
          out.
Which, honestly, is a good thing.  At least, I'm assuming it is a good thing.
Anyways, after him I started liking this other guy... I'll call him guitar Joe.  I met guitar Joe at church last year, but I didn't start getting to know him until last semester.  Soon enough, he began to
consume
my mind.  He was all I could think about.  I decided that since we were friends, I should start being a bit flirty with him so he could get the message that I was into him.  I made this guy cookies (I hear baking is a big HI I LIKE YOU sign), I made him dinners, I stared at him relentlessly whenever he spoke, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair, made funny jokes and laughed at all his, showed lots of cleavage (once or twice)... man, I used all the "subtle-but-not-so-sublte" flirting tricks I could think of.  I was constantly thinking up new ways for him to get the hint that I liked him.
Finally,
     I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of him. Quite honestly, I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of
ANY guy - not just guitar Joe.

So I prayed.

I prayed that God would give me a reason not to like guitar Joe.  I told Him that I was fed up with being completely consumed.  I prayed God would let me see something awful in Joe, or make him do something to annoy me... shine a light on anything at all that would make me stop liking him.

Let me just say this... God works in
                                                          Mysterious ways...

The Next day, guitar Joe came over.  He was sitting across the table from me.  All of a sudden, it was like a beam of light was flashed over him, and I noticed things I had never seen before.

                His head is really big.
                Wow, his arms are ridiculously short.
                My Lord, this guy looks like a midget.

Now, you might think I'm a shallow bitch for thinking these things, and maybe I am.. but suddenly I was no longer attracted to this guy.  I considered it an answer to prayer and thanked the Maker for being go gracious to me.

For the first time in what felt like forever I didn't like anybody.  I had no boy to think about.  I had no one to stress over.  I had nobody to try and look good for.
I
Had
No
Boy!

I went on holidays absolutely stress free.
I came back absolutely stress free.
I started school absolutely stress free.

I went about a month and a half where I was convinced I liked nobody.

That all came to a halt.
Mind you, not a
screeching halt... just a bit of a speed bump.

I started getting to know this guy, we'll call him Eric.  Eric is another guy from church.  This guy has always been a complete mystery to me.  I'd always been a little bit intimidated of him because he's so intelligent and knows his Bible really well.  Anyways, I started getting to know him, and the more I talked to him, the more I liked.
He's so
   interesting.  He is always surprising me with the things he says.
However, I pushed him out of my mind and decided that I just wanted to get to know him and be friends.  Which has been working great thus far, if I do say so myself.

So, after all this liking boys and then praying to stop liking boys; then liking boys again and not liking them again dance I was doing was starting to get old.  So, finally I cut my feelings off cold turkey as said enough
is
enough.  And that was that.                                                                                                          For Now.

Second things next: Myself.

I had a bit of a melt down the other night.  Remember guitar Joe? Well, we were hanging out the other night (cause we're still really good friends), and we were talking about dating and relationships and stuff.  Then
   he said something that really struck me.  He said something along the lines of
'it's stupid when girls pour out their lives on the table for anybody to see.  A guy should have to work for information, not just have it given to them...'

He then proceeded to tell me examples of girls that kept their lives private and how much he respected those girls because they kept themselves guarded and they were smart.

I was devastated.

I am not like that.  I am not like that at all.  In fact, my life is open to basically anybody who cares enough to know or ask.
   I share myself.
      I let people in.
   I am always myself.

I very quickly began to re-analyze my entire way of living.  Was I doing it wrong?
Am I too willing to let people know me?
            Am I too trusting?
                        Am I stupid?
Do all guys think this way?
            Should I change?
                   
                        Holy Shit.

Now, this might not seem like that huge of a deal... but it was for me at the time.  I have always been this way.  I've always been the open and honest person about the things that go on in my life.  I'm the first to tell you how I've screwed up.  I'm willing to share almost anything people want to know.  (Mind you, there are SOMEthings that are obviously private, I'm not weird and have no secrets...).  I can tell you all about my downfalls, and I'll make fun of myself for them.  I'll tell you about all the losers I've dated and why you should learn from my dumb-ass mistakes.  I'll tell you about the friendships I've had and how bad it hurt when they were lost.  I have a lot of stories, and I'll share them when provoked.  I am open, it's who I am.  It's who I've been trained to be.
        I wear my heart on my sleeve.  You can see my emotions all over my face.  I am really easy to read.
NOW I find out that maybe I shouldn't be that way.  Maybe how I've been all of these years is wrong, and that people don't appreciate the openness.

GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT.

Now what am I supposed to do, CHANGE MY PERSONALITY?
I went home and ate 500mLs of ice cream and listened to sad music because I felt useless.

What if every guy out there felt the same way that guitar Joe did?  No wonder I haven't found a quality guy.

Well... I don't know what happened, but I must have had good dreams or something, because after a really good sleep and a long shower I felt all my worries wash away.

I let everything go
down
the
drain.

And it felt good.