Saturday, March 10, 2012


There are things I don't understand.

To be honest, there are a lot of things I don't understand.

I don't understand why a man will ask for a girl's number, then never call her.  I don't understand why some guys think that they are always right.  I don't understand most mathematical equations.  I don't understand women who treat men as objects.  I don't understand "nice bitches." I don't understand why Americans call rockets "smarties." Clearly, our smarties are actually smarties.

I don't understand why I get jealous when I see a guy I'm not even that interested in going after another woman.  I don't understand why I need attention.


I am intoxicated right now.  In fact, I am so intoxicated, that writing this blog post is quite difficult.  It's difficult because my hands are not working the way I want them to, so it's taking a lot of extra effort to type properly.

I'm most definitely drunk.

I like being drunk.  I don't really know why... well, that's not entirely true. I like being drunk because my feet go numb.  Yes, my feet.


Sometimes, I get really self conscious.  I think about how much weight I've gained in the last few years - it's kind of disgusting, when you think about it too long.
         I also get self conscious because I feel like I'm not as pretty as other girls.  I've always been this way.  I don't know why.


I need to be careful about what I say.  Sometimes, what I say is taken out of context.  I suppose that is true of most people, but,  I hate it when it happens to me.  I don't like being the bitch; especially when it's unintentional.  I don't like it when people think that I am being malicious or dishonest.  I always try to be honest.

I don't like fights over the internet or text messages... it gets too messy too quick.

To be honest, I don't really like text messages.  I think they're destroying the way we communicate with each other.  They serve their purpose, but they're destroying my psyche.

They're the over-thinker's worst nightmare.


Sometimes, I get sad.


Lately, I've been... well, I've been in this weird mood.  This awkward, self conscious mood.  There isn't really any other way to describe it.


I feel lost.
I feel like I am walking down a path
Eyes covered with a blindfold.
I don't like it.

Ever feel that way?
Like you're going no where, fast.
Aimlessly wandering, with no direction.
I feel that way.


It's 2:27am.
I am wearing blue mascara.
I am intoxicated.


Once upon a time, there was a guy who told me I was brilliant.

I didn't believe him.
I still don't believe him.

You see, brilliance hasn't chosen to manifest itself in me.  Maybe someday, but not right now.

If I were brilliant, I would be able to eloquently articulate what I aim to say.  However, I am often unable to do such a thing.


Sometimes, simplicity is the best thing.  Stop trying to be funny (I tell myself).


None of these things make any sense.

I have run out of words...

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Hollow Words

Empty and lost.
Broken and Confused.

Things I feel. These waves of emotions,
they make
no sense.

I've got a wonderful life in the palms of my hands but I feel as though the ground is falling beneath my feet.

Dazed and wandering.

I have no direction, my intuition's crushed.  I'm walking around with my eyes closed, and I feel the need to rush.
What's the rush?  When lost, take the time to find a way.  When broken, slowly put the pieces back together.  Sometimes, all you need is time.


I need to take a serious look at my life and re-evaluate what I'm doing, and where I want to go.  This feels like a bad thing, but I's imagine it's because I feel out of wack.  In reality, this feeling is normal. (At least, I think it is...).

School is killing me slowly. I hate it.  And the fact that I hate it is frustrating, because I love learning.  I love knowledge.  I just feel like I'm stuck and going no where.  I know where I want to end up, but I've lost the path on how to get there.  Can somebody get me a guide book?  A 'University Degree for Dummies' maybe?

Sometimes, I wonder if I've ever really "had it all together."
Is that even possible?

Isn't there always something to work on? ... In a way that's cool, but in another it's depressing.


I am really looking forward to the summer.  For the first time in three years I am seriously anxious for the summer months back in Kitimat.  To be doing nothing in a small town is normal.  To be doing nothing in a city is sad.  I'm sad.

I miss my family.  I miss everything familiar.  I miss being able to drive a vehicle to escape to my favourite hiding places.  I don't have any hiding places in the city.

I am just lost.

I miss the nature; the trees and the water.  I miss how close the stars feel.


I need to quit rambling.


I wish I could write poetry.

I don't mean the kind of poetry that you write for your mom for her birthday, or for a lover who you've been with for a while.  I wish I could really compose a work of art.

To be able to scribe thoughts into verse, plainly and honestly: that is what I want to do.  If only I could break free from the rules of rhyme scheme and alliteration and metaphors.  Maybe then I could truly express my thoughts through a poem.

I don't really like poetry.

I don't mean that, really.  What I mean is, is that I don't enjoy analyzing poetry; like the way you used to in grade school.

To scrutinize a stanza seems meaningless.  A poem's purpose is not to reflect an inherently true message, but instead, to invoke an emotion of the reader.  Does it really matter what the poet intended?  What matters is that the person engaging with the piece feels something.

I wish I could write poetry.
The kind that make people feel something.  The pure, honest emotions that each one of us harbours inside.