Monday, January 17, 2011

In Ten Years From Today I'll...

When I was 10 years old and somebody has asked me the question "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" I probably would've answered something like ...

"Well, I want to be married, or AT LEAST engaged. And I want to have babies, probably not yet, but soon. I don't want to wait too long you know... I have to keep the family young. I know my great grandparents, I want to be able to know my great grandchildren! OH, and I want to be an olympic swimmer!"

The 10 year old version of myself would be very disappointed in me right now.  I have no boyfriend, let alone a marriage prospect.... and I quit swimming when I was 13 (which happens to be one of my only regrets) so the dream of being an olympic swimmer is gone too.

This world's ideas and values and ambitions have changes so much even in the last twenty years.  When my mother was my age, she was getting ready to move in with my dad, who she'd been dating since she was in grade 10.  My dad was working full time and he owned a home.  Fast forward 20 years and here I am, slaving away in university with about 4 years left, no boyfriend, and no chance in hell of getting married.  If you're married and have kids before you are 27 people think you're absolutely crazy, especially if you're still in school.  Everyone is so self centred like "ohhh, I need to focus on my career.." Yeah, okay and while you're doing that, your uterus is going to dry up and you're never going to be able to have children.  Have fun.

So, where do I see myself in 10 years? Well, it's one of two options:

Options One: The Nun Plan.

Okay, so my roommate and I devised this plan that if we don't at least have marriage prospects by the time we're done university, then we're going to Bible College (because everyone just goes there to get married. They don't call it "Bridal College" for nothing)... however since she's going to Bible College in the fall, it looks like I'll be alone on this mission. 
     If Bridal College fails me, then I am going to join every internet dating site possible. Eharmony,, lavalife... you name it I'll sign up for it.  If THAT doesn't work, then I'm gonna pull a Maria from the Sound of Music and become a nun, and HOPEFULLY get sent off to some wonderful man who's wife died and we can fall madly in love with each other (just cut out the running from Nazis and thats a picture perfect life)!

If none of that works, well I guess I'm stuck being a nun, so I'll be married to Jesus, and as much as that would be great for my spiritual life, my sex life would take a HUGE toll (unless of course I found a naughty Bishop or something... I'm sure that happens).

Option Two: What I ACTUALLY Want.

In ten years I'd like to be in a loving married relationship with two children, and maybe in the process of adopting a third.  I want to be well traveled, and versed in many languages.  I hope to be established in my teaching career, and be a role model to the teen I teach.  I want to see my friends married and happy, and I want to be an aunty to my brothers kids.  I don't want to live anywhere near a convent.

I have no idea what the future holds for me.  To be honest with you, at this point I almost don't even care.  I have no many things that I want to do, that I am just going to see where life takes me.  Maybe all my hope and dreams wont come true, but all I really want... all anyone really wants, is to be happy, and surrounded by people who love them.

Thats what I want in my life: to be surrounded by life, bliss and joy.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Single Life.

It's a new year, and I'm still single.  How is the single life for me? HAHA well, it's not that great. Okay, I shouldn't just jump to that conclusion right away; being single really isn't that bad. Actually, for the most part, being single is a pretty cool thing. I get to do whatever I want to, wherever and whenever I please, and do what I feel and say what I like.  It's not like I shouldn't (or wouldn't) be able to do those things while in a relationship, don't get me wrong... it's just that, when you're in a relationship of the dating kind, especially in the beginning stages, you often feel the need to be careful of the things you say and do in fears of losing the person you've got mad feelings for.

So, why am I single?  Well, that is a great question!  Actually, no... it's a terrible question, because I simply have no answer to give you.  I have no idea why the hell I'm still single.
     A little while ago, I was telling a friend of mine at worship practice that my roommate and I were going to be having a Star Wars marathon that weekend, and he proceeded to say to me "That's so awesome! Man, with all the cool stuff you guys do, I don't understand how you guys don't have boyfriends!"  I laughed, a lot.  I wonder the same thing every day.

...I thought that moving to Vancouver would bring so much more to my life.  I figured getting out of the shitty town I lived in my whole life would bring new, and exciting men into my life.  Sure, I've met guys, and I've dated a few guys, but nobody really worth anything to me; just the same kinds of losers I liked at home.  I feel like I've thrown my self worth away, in a sense.  It's like I've gotten desperate. Hell, I was desperate at one time... which led me to Plentyoffish.  Ever heard of it?  It's like, the largest free internet dating site or something like that.  YEAH.  I went on a date with a guy.... and started texting others, and even talking to some on the phone.  And then me and this one guy got kind of serious, and we started DATING.  Like, in real life, not just on the internet.  GOD what was I thinking????

Girls, how do we get into these messes?  How do we dig ourselves into these holes and get stuck in these slumps that we cant get out of until we feel a massive shock through our system?  Even after I broke up with... lets call him Jim... even after I broke up with Jim, I stayed on that stupid website, because I liked the attention.  I liked it when I got messages from these strange men that I didn't know.  It gave me a sense of power to read a message and never write back.  What did I have to lose?  I wasn't getting it from anywhere else.
     Fortunately, I got rid of my account.  I decided that if I am going to meet somebody, then I am going to do it organically, the way it is supposed to be.  If a guy is interested, then he'll make some kind of move, if he's not, well... then thats just tough shit.

So the truth is, I don't really like being single.  Suuuuureee I get to spend a whole lot of time with my girlfriends, but it just doesn't fill this void that's missing.  The Christian in me (which should be the largest part of me, but isn't always) tells me that my relationship with God is the most important thing... which is totally true; it is the most important thing... but forgive me for saying this, but is God going to hold me in his arms?  Is God going to kiss my lips and neck and whisper in my ear?  Is God going to spoon with me in my bed?  No, probably not.  And I know that if I was doing this Christian thing right I wouldn't have this massive void in my heart that needed to be filled, but clearly I'm doing something wrong, because a disgustingly large part of me is lonely, and longs for someone to share my life with.

Men have this power over us.  They can make us feel nervous, giddy, and jealous.  We'll be laughing with them one minute, and be crying over them the next.  I've been there.. recently.

I believe that sometimes, we need to resist the pressure we feel and just be content without a man on our arm.  Why should we need a guy to feel good about ourselves?  We need to know ourselves better before we can commit ourselves to someone else.  When you know yourself, you know what you want, and you wont settle for anything less just because you are lonely, or you want to achieve a sense of fulfillment.  This is a lesson I've bees trying desperately to learn.

I don't need a man to feel good about myself.  I don't need a passionate kiss to know that I am worth something.  As much as being single hurts, it teaches you a lot: about who you are, what you want, and who you are waiting for.  I believe there is a soul mate for everyone, and one day, those two souls will come together, and the voids will all be filled.
     Until then, I am going to continue trying to get to know myself, and getting myself ready to be with the man God chooses to bring into my life; whoever he may be.