I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I have tried many times to put my thoughts onto paper (er, onto the internet, in this specific case), but I've been so frazzled and mixed up that nothing has come out as artistically or definitive as would have liked. However, I have decided to screw the desire for any kind of structural accuracy or flow and just write exactly what I'm feeling in any way I feel necessary.
Ready? Good... because I'm not so sure I am.
First things first: Let's talk about men.
I did a little look-see, and the last blog entry I wrote was about some radio guy that I was really into. As you probably could've guessed, things
Which, honestly, is a good thing. At least, I'm assuming it is a good thing.
Anyways, after him I started liking this other guy... I'll call him guitar Joe. I met guitar Joe at church last year, but I didn't start getting to know him until last semester. Soon enough, he began to
my mind. He was all I could think about. I decided that since we were friends, I should start being a bit flirty with him so he could get the message that I was into him. I made this guy cookies (I hear baking is a big HI I LIKE YOU sign), I made him dinners, I stared at him relentlessly whenever he spoke, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair, made funny jokes and laughed at all his, showed lots of cleavage (once or twice)... man, I used all the "subtle-but-not-so-sublte" flirting tricks I could think of. I was constantly thinking up new ways for him to get the hint that I liked him.
I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of him. Quite honestly, I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of
ANY guy - not just guitar Joe.
So I prayed.
I prayed that God would give me a reason not to like guitar Joe. I told Him that I was fed up with being completely consumed. I prayed God would let me see something awful in Joe, or make him do something to annoy me... shine a light on anything at all that would make me stop liking him.
Let me just say this... God works in
The Next day, guitar Joe came over. He was sitting across the table from me. All of a sudden, it was like a beam of light was flashed over him, and I noticed things I had never seen before.
His head is really big.
Wow, his arms are ridiculously short.
My Lord, this guy looks like a midget.
Now, you might think I'm a shallow bitch for thinking these things, and maybe I am.. but suddenly I was no longer attracted to this guy. I considered it an answer to prayer and thanked the Maker for being go gracious to me.
For the first time in what felt like forever I didn't like anybody. I had no boy to think about. I had no one to stress over. I had nobody to try and look good for.
I went on holidays absolutely stress free.
I came back absolutely stress free.
I started school absolutely stress free.
I went about a month and a half where I was convinced I liked nobody.
That all came to a halt.
Mind you, not a
screeching halt... just a bit of a speed bump.
I started getting to know this guy, we'll call him Eric. Eric is another guy from church. This guy has always been a complete mystery to me. I'd always been a little bit intimidated of him because he's so intelligent and knows his Bible really well. Anyways, I started getting to know him, and the more I talked to him, the more I liked.
interesting. He is always surprising me with the things he says.
However, I pushed him out of my mind and decided that I just wanted to get to know him and be friends. Which has been working great thus far, if I do say so myself.
So, after all this liking boys and then praying to stop liking boys; then liking boys again and not liking them again dance I was doing was starting to get old. So, finally I cut my feelings off cold turkey as said enough
enough. And that was that. For Now.
Second things next: Myself.
I had a bit of a melt down the other night. Remember guitar Joe? Well, we were hanging out the other night (cause we're still really good friends), and we were talking about dating and relationships and stuff. Then
he said something that really struck me. He said something along the lines of
'it's stupid when girls pour out their lives on the table for anybody to see. A guy should have to work for information, not just have it given to them...'
He then proceeded to tell me examples of girls that kept their lives private and how much he respected those girls because they kept themselves guarded and they were smart.
I was devastated.
I am not like that. I am not like that at all. In fact, my life is open to basically anybody who cares enough to know or ask.
I share myself.
I let people in.
I am always myself.
I very quickly began to re-analyze my entire way of living. Was I doing it wrong?
Am I too willing to let people know me?
Am I too trusting?
Am I stupid?
Do all guys think this way?
Should I change?
Now, this might not seem like that huge of a deal... but it was for me at the time. I have always been this way. I've always been the open and honest person about the things that go on in my life. I'm the first to tell you how I've screwed up. I'm willing to share almost anything people want to know. (Mind you, there are SOMEthings that are obviously private, I'm not weird and have no secrets...). I can tell you all about my downfalls, and I'll make fun of myself for them. I'll tell you about all the losers I've dated and why you should learn from my dumb-ass mistakes. I'll tell you about the friendships I've had and how bad it hurt when they were lost. I have a lot of stories, and I'll share them when provoked. I am open, it's who I am. It's who I've been trained to be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. You can see my emotions all over my face. I am really easy to read.
NOW I find out that maybe I shouldn't be that way. Maybe how I've been all of these years is wrong, and that people don't appreciate the openness.
GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
Now what am I supposed to do, CHANGE MY PERSONALITY?
I went home and ate 500mLs of ice cream and listened to sad music because I felt useless.
What if every guy out there felt the same way that guitar Joe did? No wonder I haven't found a quality guy.
Well... I don't know what happened, but I must have had good dreams or something, because after a really good sleep and a long shower I felt all my worries wash away.
I let everything go
And it felt good.