Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Cycle

It's happened again.

The stupidity.  The naivety.  The unrealistic hope.
The hope that maybe, this time... I don't know.

Maybe this time I could get my way.  Maybe I wouldn't have been so trusting, so willing.  Maybe he could have been different.  He was the same.
They're all the same.

I held out for something that could never happen.  I hoped the truth (and the truth about me) wouldn't matter.  But the truth always matters and always sets you free.
      I didn't want to be set free, this time.  I wanted to he captivated in the dream world of lies that I had created.  I yearned to live in the denial that I had so artistically formed... maybe part of me is still there.

Maybe that's why it's so hard.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Confused and troubled, yet
delighted all at once.
I find myself trapped on the
border of two very
different worlds.

I am enslaved by my own thoughts,
"There is now easy way,"
I tell myself.

Of course, I'm lying.

Overcome by passion
I give in
to the


Not so much as to feel
remorse, yet
enough to know what I
ought not have done.

      Some part of me wishes it never happened.
            Most of me lusts for more.


Perhaps. But no more than the likes of you.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I'm flustered whenever I think about him.
      It's annoying and wonderful at the same time.
Nobody's ever... I mean, I've never... been so flustered.

All sexy and beautiful.  His game is impeccable.
My self control is being tested, big time.

The message rings loud and clear in my head, but my guts churn and I cant turn away.   I'd swear I've been flying, but my brain's keeping me grounded.

Thanks, brain.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Friday, May 18, 2012

My Message to the Mis-Informed

You say that people should get married young because of sex. To me, this screams immaturity. How can you think that this is a good enough reason to promise to someone that you are going to devote you life to them as long as you live; till forever...
I understand that sex is an important part of being married, and you’re right when you say that it is a stumbling block for young people. Forget young people, it’s a stumbling block for all people. But sex is not just a prize to be won, and it’s not simply a goal that to be reached. Should we want sex? Yes. Should that be the reason we get married? Hell no.
Don’t you think that people should be able to practice a little bit of self control and keep their hormones in check? If being a virgin is something that is important to you, then it’s a value you’ll hold on to as long as you can. If you fall easy to temptation, then how important was this value to you in the first place? There are always going to be obstacles for you to overcome, but God doesn’t throw things at us that we can’t handle. And are you naive enough to believe that once you’re married there aren’t going to be sexual temptations from other women other than your wife? Married people struggle with sexual temptation too. Just because you’re “allowed” to have sex when you’re married, doesn’t mean all the temptations go away... And it doesn’t mean you’re gonna be able to have sex whenever you want. There is more to being married than the passionate act of love. 
Marriage is hard. Ask anybody. Even the best marriages have their trials. Getting married young means that you are going to have more years of those trials. Getting married young means that you don’t know the person as well as you would if you waited a bit longer before you married them. Do you want there to be a ton of surprises when you marry a person? I want the man I marry to be my best friend, not just my object for sexual desires. 
Getting married just to have sex shows personal and spiritual immaturity. Grow up a little bit.
Marriage is a life long commitment. When you get married, it’s not just your bodies that become one through sex, your souls become one too. You’re connected to that person. You have to be willing to accept that person for everything they are, their faults and all. You have to be accepting of them, and love them in spite of all their flaws. You have to trust them and be comfortable with them. You have to have a friendship, a strong emotional base to always fall back on when the passion isn’t there (because guess what, the passion wont always be there). You have to be able to talk with them, console them when they’re sad, and laugh with them when they’re happy. You have to understand their hopes and dreams, and be part of those. You have to compromise and change. Sometimes, getting married at a young age robs you of these opportunities, and you have to make up for it when you’re already married. How hard would that be? I cant even imagine.
Sex is a wonderful thing, at least, that’s what people keep telling me. I believe them too, because sex is a gift from God. But this gift is meant to be all things beautiful and holy. Yes, holy. If the only reason you’re getting married is to receive the gift, then its purpose is tarnished.
God has a plan. Maybe his plan for you is to get married when you're 35, or maybe it's in 2 years. In any case, the reason you get married shouldn't be to bang your wife, it should be because you love her.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

It's Not Fair

I still think about him... all the time.

Okay, not all the time.  But it's often enough that warrants a bit of concern.  It's so stupid.  
     Stupid that I get jealous when I see photos of him with other girls online.  Photos of girls who are uglier than me.  None of it makes sense. 

I would have done anything to be with him, but that was then.  Now, I would give anything to keep away from him.  But then the memories come.  The dreams and feelings of romance, passion and comfort.  The lies I told myself then, still haunt me now.  Years later, and I am plagued with thoughts of him; images of him; longings for him.

I don't understand it.  I cant grasp these feelings; they're too quick, too sharp.  Him lying was the best thing for me, it gave me freedom. 

Why has the freedom compromised itself? 

I don't want him.  Nothing in me needs him.  Even-still, the thoughts come.

Get out of my head.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Story Rhymes like Old Times

Some little things change but the premise stays the same: bitches be crazy, we play our silly games.

He likes her but she shows no interest.  This guy'll keep tryin': risk it to get the biscuit.

Get'im out'a here, she don't want yo business.  How can I say dis boy, you ain't on her wish list.
          This poor sucker'll keep pressin' till there's no more to be done.  Then her force'll spring back, and

          another round she's won.

The crazy fool wont quit, he think's the prize is worth the struggle.  But this girl's got'im beat and be    

          makes another fumble.

But when this boy is down and feels like he should quit, something unexpected happens: an

          unforeseeable shift.

A satin hand reaches down to his, fingers soon intwined.

He picks himself up and leaves the past behind.