Thursday, October 13, 2011

Captivate Me

I like this guy.
A lot.

Remember the one I told you about? The 32 year old.
Like him.
It's kind of sad... no, it's really sad.  It's sad because he's not interested in me.  It's sad because he cant know how I feel about him.  It's sad because I cant put myself out there too much.

I like him.
Interesting and funny.
                                         He captivates me.
I cannot get enough.  I soak up everything he says like a sponge that's been brittle for years.  Stupid?  Yeah, I probably am.  But I don't even care.  Where is there a rule that states that a girl cant like a guy who's 12 years older? Where's the rule stating a guy has to be interested in a girl before she can like him?  Show me, and I'll abide by them; but until then, I am going to go by my gut, heart and head.  All three say like him.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Shit Happens; I Wish I Knew the Reasons

When bad things happen in a small town, it REALLY matters.  Even if you don't really know the people that something has happened to, you still feel a deep sense of sadness, because you're connected to them through your town.

That's how I feel right now.

A couple of nights ago, someone broke into a couple's house and stabbed them both.  Why any person would be compelled to do this, I don't know.

A husband and wife.

These people were kind and lovely.  She was a banker. He is a crane man at Alcan; and he survived.
Her life was taken from here. She did not pass away, she did not go peacefully. Her life was stolen.  It isn't fair.  She was a beautiful woman.  She just became a grandmother... Now she's just a memory.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a
But right now, I'm having a really hard time trying to justify that belief.... because what could the reason for this travesty be?  God brings good from everything, but how can this bring anything but hurt?

I wish I knew the reasons for everything, it would make things hurt less.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Just Friends; No Benefits Mkaaayy?

I gave a guy my phone number. He didn't ask for it.  We're
Just Friends.
And I'm totally fine with that.  I wasn't fine with it at first. But I really am now.  You see, I was driving myself totally and completely crazy about if he was interested or not.  But the fact of the matter is, he ISN'T. So, why should I waste all my time thinking about if he's going to talk to me and hoping that he's going to fall in love with me? When clearly, he won't.

I gave this guy my phone number.
The last time we spoke (before today, that is) he suggested that we meet up for coffee. Obviously, I agreed.  The problem here is that there was no plans made for this "coffee date" and I got kind of frustrated by that. And since I decided that we were just friends, I figured I could take matters into my own hands and give him my phone number, so he could contact me about going for coffee...

I gave him my phone number
To contact me about coffee... but really, I want him to use it just to text me, or call me.  You see, I still like him.  I'm not really sure WHY, because I don't really know him.  Perhaps I'm infatuated with him because he somewhat "fits" into my ideal-man-mold.  Or maybe it's because he's this giant mystery that I've yet to solve.  I don't know, but whatever it is... it's drawing me to him.

I gave a guy my phone number

                                                          I am so frustrated.
I am so wrapped up in this whole "just friends" business now, that IT'S starting to consume me.  Mechi, what's your deal?!

Who is this really benefiting here?  What is he getting out of this?  Because I'm still going crazy.

Monday, September 19, 2011

What if Life Were Like Super Mario?

I'm not really a gamer.  I don't play all the new, shoot-em-up games, and I don't have all the newest systems.  However, I CRANK Super Mario Bros.


I'm talking old school. Almost as old school as you can get: Super NES.
My roommate and I play, a lot.
             Sometimes, we do really well. But, there are days where we do really bad. I mean really

Sometimes, it's for legitimate reasons: like the ghosts are being particularly annoying today; or maybe the little blue dinosaurs in the chocolate mountains are coming at you from everywhere and you forgot how lethal they were; or the wizard is being a bitch... But sometimes the reasons for death are not so legitimate.  Like when you jump
Thats a terrible way to go.  It's something that could have been avoided, and you feel stupid after making a mistake like that.  An equally pathetic death is when you run right into a koopa or one of those ugly brown things that never seem to die... or when you frantically try to
your Yoshi, and you slam into one of those evil football players. (I think those guys are the worst, especially when they multiply,

My roommate and I joke around all the time about how
     we are
for playing
But, there's something that has to be admitted here: I get really
                                            when I play nintendo.  Have you ever been in the same room as your father when he's watching hockey or football?  If you have, then you'll know that he yells at the TV (at least, mine does)... but it's more than that. See, he's not just welling AT the
they are screaming at the referees for making a bad call, or at the players for being stupid and letting the other guy intercept a pass.  Do you ever notice how foolish he is for doing that?
Well, times that by about 800 and then you've got me.
    I get
   when I play nintendo. I scream. I yell. I swear a lot. I make awkward sounds that probably shouldn't emerge from the mouth of a woman. I bet I make really ugly faces... but thats the reality of it.  The worst part of it is, I do it when I do well too.

Doing well in Mario is a fantastic feeling.  It leaves you with a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.  Beating a boss is amazing.  Completing a ghost house imparts dignity. Finding a secret passage you didn't realize was there before is
Pwning the wizard empowers me to scream "joyful profanities" (if there IS such a thing) at the television.

What if life was LIKE Super Mario?

                                                 CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Think about it... There would be
Theme music
you went.  You could grow and shrink at any possible time depending what kind of mushrooms or flowers you ran through.  People would be zipping through the skies. You would hold onto your pennies.  Dinosaurs would still roam the Earth. There would be no questioning whether or not ghosts existed.

You would
Really...                                                                 Die.

Eating the green mushrooms would give you an extra year.  If you go to the Forest of Illusion, there's a level where you can get A LOT of lives.  If you play it over and over again, you can get as many as you want.  Can you imagine something like that? People would NEVER die. They'd just keep going back for more life.
              talk about a fountain of youth.

If you didn't know about all the ways you can earn lives, and you received a
                GAME OVER,
You start from where you left off.

Huh... interesting.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Honey and The Bee. I Fracking Wish

Don't remind me
That some days I'm the windshield
And other days I'm just a lucky bug
These cold iron rails
Leave old mossy trails
Through the countryside
The crow and the beanfield
are my best friends, but boy I need a hug

(Boy I need a hug)

'Cause my heart stops without you
There's something about you
That makes me feel alive

If the green left the grass on the other side
I would make like a tree and leave
But if I reached for your hand, would your eyes get
Who knew the other side could be so green

Don't remind me
I'm a chickadee in love with the sky
But that's clearly not a lot to crow about
'Cause when the stars silhouette me
I'm scared they'll forget me and flicker out
I taste honey but I haven't seen the hive
Yeah, I didn't look, I didn't even try

But still my heart stops without you
There's something about you
That makes me feel alive

If the green left the grass on the other side
I would make like a tree and leave
But if I reached for your hand, would your eyes get wide
Who knew the other side could be so green

We are honey and the bee

Backyard of butterflies surrounded me
I fell in love with you like bees to honey
Let's up and leave the weeping to the willow tree
And pour our tears in the sea

I swear!
There's a lot of vegetables out there
That crop up for air
Yeah, I never thought
We were two peas in a pod
To be suddenly bloomed
And I knew that I'd always love you

Oh, I'll always love you too

If the green left the grass on the other side
I would make like a tree and leave
But if I reached for your hand, would your eyes get
Who knew the other side could be so green

If the green left the grass on the other side
I would make like a tree and leave
But if I reached for your hand, would your eyes get
Who knew the other side could be so green

If I reached for your hand for the rest of my life
Who knew the other side could be so green

--thanks for writing this, Adam Young. You're an inspiration

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Like Clockwork

Life loves to throw curveballs.

I don't think it knows how to
throw them.

It's like...
Here I am, minding my own business, doing what I do. Being who I want to
be.  I am SINGLE and for once in what feels like
I'm happy.  No, happy is an understatement.  I'm everything that goes along with it. I feel


I know who I am.  I am in control of my life. I'm letting Jesus
steer the wheel.
          (or, trying to)
And I say "Hey God, I'm good right now, thanks. You are ALL I need. Screw boys, right!"
Then he laughs at me and says
"I DON'T THINK SO..."              OR, maybe this is a test of my will power.

I met

He seems wonderful. But there are a few things in the way. Like the
12 YEAR age gap.  Think about that for just a second.  Are you done thinking about that?  Good, because while you're moving on to the next thought, I'm still
on the fact that this This man is more than a decade older than I am, and less then a decade younger than my mother.

chew on that one for a while.  How does that taste? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth too.

I realize I am getting too ahead of myself here. Sometimes I can be irrational;
but excuuuuuse me for falling victim for a guy who seems to be just my type:


Okay, so maybe these are things that the vast majority of people look for in their "type" of guy. But seriously, other than the age gap, he's like everything I've been looking for.  He's a christian*. yeah...

                                                                                   A CHRISTIAN*
Sure, there are lots of them out there, but I haven't found any.  Not any good ones... none that seem to be interested in me, anyways.

I don't even know if he is interested in me now. I feel like this is going to make my head spin. Yep, there it goes


Kind of like the hands on the clock of life, going round and round, ticking away... waiting to


                                 And there he goes, talking to me again. It continues.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Don't Be An Ignorant Bitch, Hoe.

Facebook: it's this amazing thing that makes the world go round... at least that what it feels like these days.  I don't go a day without giving myself some kind of update.  Even if i don't go on Facebook, I still check my emails to see if anybody sent me anything important.

It's wonderful.  I LOVE Facebook. I'm the first person do admit that I have a bit of an addiction, and I like it.  However, it's when people use Facebook inappropriately that really chokes me.

If you need to vent about your personal life, do not put it on Facebook.  Call up a friend, write in a journal, do an online blog that NOBODY knows about (ha ha ha), or something else that works for you that maybe I haven't thought of.  But posting your entire person al life on Facebook is not okay. When you post things online, you want them to be seen.  It doesn't matter if it's song lyrics, an inside joke, or something stupid.. you want it to get some kind of a reaction.  When you post your personal business, you're basically telling people "hey, this is what's going on in my life, look at me!" and they will.  They'll make comments and make you feel wonderful or whatever feeling you're trying to receive because you want the attention.  I know how this works, I've been there.

When people make comments you disagree with, you get SO pissed off, and you shit a brick. Ya delete the comments that "make you look bad" (or whatever), and then post nasty things about people betraying you because they don't like how honest you are.  Look here, princess, if you post things about wanting to get a divorce, moving out of your house and blaming a fight you had with your husband for your alleged baby problems (which, let's be honest, there were none), there are going to be people who tell you what you don't want to hear: grow up; don't post this shit on Facebook.  If you're going to be so incredibly "honest" with people, and post your life online, then expect that people are not going to agree with you.  Don't be mad when friends give you their opinions on your life that you don't agree with... you asked for it when you made a status update.

Clearly... I have issues with a certain person... she posted this nasty status update about how she couldn't believe that her "friends" had betrayed her for being honest about what she was going through, and that if they were real friends they wouldn't be so mean, or some shit like that.  Some of the people that made comments on her Statuses that were really rude and harsh were only trying to be helpful, which in my opinion is fine.  If you're going to express issues in public, expect that people are going to tell you what they thing in public.  So, after this friendship betrayal comments, I wrote her this, because I'd had enough  of her bullshit:
Thats a really ignorant thing to say. Friends are people who protect the ones they care about, and are brave enough to       let them know when they are making mistakes to help them grow. Perhaps you were offended when people told you that is was inappropriate to be posting extremely personal information all over Facebook for everyone to see, but thats not people betraying you, thats trying to help you see that it was immature and unwise. Being honest is one thing, but being completely and utterly blunt about things that should be nobody else's business is another. You cannot expect people to not react when you post things like wanting a divorce lawyer or blaming a fight for alleged problems with your baby. People care about you enough to be honest, and if you are going to get offended when people disagree with the things you post, then maybe you shouldn't post them."

     Am I right, or am I right? Not that anybody reading this would know... you don't really know what went on.  All I know is that I was not rude, but I was to the point.  But, the bitch deleted and blocked me after.  Which I was going to do anyways, so I honestly don't care, because now I'm not tempted to look at all her bull.

Facebook is something fun.  Don't ruin it for the rest of us, Hoe.

Monday, January 17, 2011

In Ten Years From Today I'll...

When I was 10 years old and somebody has asked me the question "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" I probably would've answered something like ...

"Well, I want to be married, or AT LEAST engaged. And I want to have babies, probably not yet, but soon. I don't want to wait too long you know... I have to keep the family young. I know my great grandparents, I want to be able to know my great grandchildren! OH, and I want to be an olympic swimmer!"

The 10 year old version of myself would be very disappointed in me right now.  I have no boyfriend, let alone a marriage prospect.... and I quit swimming when I was 13 (which happens to be one of my only regrets) so the dream of being an olympic swimmer is gone too.

This world's ideas and values and ambitions have changes so much even in the last twenty years.  When my mother was my age, she was getting ready to move in with my dad, who she'd been dating since she was in grade 10.  My dad was working full time and he owned a home.  Fast forward 20 years and here I am, slaving away in university with about 4 years left, no boyfriend, and no chance in hell of getting married.  If you're married and have kids before you are 27 people think you're absolutely crazy, especially if you're still in school.  Everyone is so self centred like "ohhh, I need to focus on my career.." Yeah, okay and while you're doing that, your uterus is going to dry up and you're never going to be able to have children.  Have fun.

So, where do I see myself in 10 years? Well, it's one of two options:

Options One: The Nun Plan.

Okay, so my roommate and I devised this plan that if we don't at least have marriage prospects by the time we're done university, then we're going to Bible College (because everyone just goes there to get married. They don't call it "Bridal College" for nothing)... however since she's going to Bible College in the fall, it looks like I'll be alone on this mission. 
     If Bridal College fails me, then I am going to join every internet dating site possible. Eharmony,, lavalife... you name it I'll sign up for it.  If THAT doesn't work, then I'm gonna pull a Maria from the Sound of Music and become a nun, and HOPEFULLY get sent off to some wonderful man who's wife died and we can fall madly in love with each other (just cut out the running from Nazis and thats a picture perfect life)!

If none of that works, well I guess I'm stuck being a nun, so I'll be married to Jesus, and as much as that would be great for my spiritual life, my sex life would take a HUGE toll (unless of course I found a naughty Bishop or something... I'm sure that happens).

Option Two: What I ACTUALLY Want.

In ten years I'd like to be in a loving married relationship with two children, and maybe in the process of adopting a third.  I want to be well traveled, and versed in many languages.  I hope to be established in my teaching career, and be a role model to the teen I teach.  I want to see my friends married and happy, and I want to be an aunty to my brothers kids.  I don't want to live anywhere near a convent.

I have no idea what the future holds for me.  To be honest with you, at this point I almost don't even care.  I have no many things that I want to do, that I am just going to see where life takes me.  Maybe all my hope and dreams wont come true, but all I really want... all anyone really wants, is to be happy, and surrounded by people who love them.

Thats what I want in my life: to be surrounded by life, bliss and joy.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Single Life.

It's a new year, and I'm still single.  How is the single life for me? HAHA well, it's not that great. Okay, I shouldn't just jump to that conclusion right away; being single really isn't that bad. Actually, for the most part, being single is a pretty cool thing. I get to do whatever I want to, wherever and whenever I please, and do what I feel and say what I like.  It's not like I shouldn't (or wouldn't) be able to do those things while in a relationship, don't get me wrong... it's just that, when you're in a relationship of the dating kind, especially in the beginning stages, you often feel the need to be careful of the things you say and do in fears of losing the person you've got mad feelings for.

So, why am I single?  Well, that is a great question!  Actually, no... it's a terrible question, because I simply have no answer to give you.  I have no idea why the hell I'm still single.
     A little while ago, I was telling a friend of mine at worship practice that my roommate and I were going to be having a Star Wars marathon that weekend, and he proceeded to say to me "That's so awesome! Man, with all the cool stuff you guys do, I don't understand how you guys don't have boyfriends!"  I laughed, a lot.  I wonder the same thing every day.

...I thought that moving to Vancouver would bring so much more to my life.  I figured getting out of the shitty town I lived in my whole life would bring new, and exciting men into my life.  Sure, I've met guys, and I've dated a few guys, but nobody really worth anything to me; just the same kinds of losers I liked at home.  I feel like I've thrown my self worth away, in a sense.  It's like I've gotten desperate. Hell, I was desperate at one time... which led me to Plentyoffish.  Ever heard of it?  It's like, the largest free internet dating site or something like that.  YEAH.  I went on a date with a guy.... and started texting others, and even talking to some on the phone.  And then me and this one guy got kind of serious, and we started DATING.  Like, in real life, not just on the internet.  GOD what was I thinking????

Girls, how do we get into these messes?  How do we dig ourselves into these holes and get stuck in these slumps that we cant get out of until we feel a massive shock through our system?  Even after I broke up with... lets call him Jim... even after I broke up with Jim, I stayed on that stupid website, because I liked the attention.  I liked it when I got messages from these strange men that I didn't know.  It gave me a sense of power to read a message and never write back.  What did I have to lose?  I wasn't getting it from anywhere else.
     Fortunately, I got rid of my account.  I decided that if I am going to meet somebody, then I am going to do it organically, the way it is supposed to be.  If a guy is interested, then he'll make some kind of move, if he's not, well... then thats just tough shit.

So the truth is, I don't really like being single.  Suuuuureee I get to spend a whole lot of time with my girlfriends, but it just doesn't fill this void that's missing.  The Christian in me (which should be the largest part of me, but isn't always) tells me that my relationship with God is the most important thing... which is totally true; it is the most important thing... but forgive me for saying this, but is God going to hold me in his arms?  Is God going to kiss my lips and neck and whisper in my ear?  Is God going to spoon with me in my bed?  No, probably not.  And I know that if I was doing this Christian thing right I wouldn't have this massive void in my heart that needed to be filled, but clearly I'm doing something wrong, because a disgustingly large part of me is lonely, and longs for someone to share my life with.

Men have this power over us.  They can make us feel nervous, giddy, and jealous.  We'll be laughing with them one minute, and be crying over them the next.  I've been there.. recently.

I believe that sometimes, we need to resist the pressure we feel and just be content without a man on our arm.  Why should we need a guy to feel good about ourselves?  We need to know ourselves better before we can commit ourselves to someone else.  When you know yourself, you know what you want, and you wont settle for anything less just because you are lonely, or you want to achieve a sense of fulfillment.  This is a lesson I've bees trying desperately to learn.

I don't need a man to feel good about myself.  I don't need a passionate kiss to know that I am worth something.  As much as being single hurts, it teaches you a lot: about who you are, what you want, and who you are waiting for.  I believe there is a soul mate for everyone, and one day, those two souls will come together, and the voids will all be filled.
     Until then, I am going to continue trying to get to know myself, and getting myself ready to be with the man God chooses to bring into my life; whoever he may be.