It's a new year, and I'm still single. How is the single life for me? HAHA well, it's not that great. Okay, I shouldn't just jump to that conclusion right away; being single really isn't that bad. Actually, for the most part, being single is a pretty cool thing. I get to do whatever I want to, wherever and whenever I please, and do what I feel and say what I like. It's not like I shouldn't (or wouldn't) be able to do those things while in a relationship, don't get me wrong... it's just that, when you're in a relationship of the dating kind, especially in the beginning stages, you often feel the need to be careful of the things you say and do in fears of losing the person you've got mad feelings for.
So, why am I single? Well, that is a great question! Actually, no... it's a terrible question, because I simply have no answer to give you. I have no idea why the hell I'm still single.
A little while ago, I was telling a friend of mine at worship practice that my roommate and I were going to be having a Star Wars marathon that weekend, and he proceeded to say to me "That's so awesome! Man, with all the cool stuff you guys do, I don't understand how you guys don't have boyfriends!" I laughed, a lot. I wonder the same thing every day.
...I thought that moving to Vancouver would bring so much more to my life. I figured getting out of the shitty town I lived in my whole life would bring new, and exciting men into my life. Sure, I've met guys, and I've dated a few guys, but nobody really worth anything to me; just the same kinds of losers I liked at home. I feel like I've thrown my self worth away, in a sense. It's like I've gotten desperate. Hell, I was desperate at one time... which led me to Plentyoffish. Ever heard of it? It's like, the largest free internet dating site or something like that. YEAH. I went on a date with a guy.... and started texting others, and even talking to some on the phone. And then me and this one guy got kind of serious, and we started DATING. Like, in real life, not just on the internet. GOD what was I thinking????
Girls, how do we get into these messes? How do we dig ourselves into these holes and get stuck in these slumps that we cant get out of until we feel a massive shock through our system? Even after I broke up with... lets call him Jim... even after I broke up with Jim, I stayed on that stupid website, because I liked the attention. I liked it when I got messages from these strange men that I didn't know. It gave me a sense of power to read a message and never write back. What did I have to lose? I wasn't getting it from anywhere else.
Fortunately, I got rid of my account. I decided that if I am going to meet somebody, then I am going to do it organically, the way it is supposed to be. If a guy is interested, then he'll make some kind of move, if he's not, well... then thats just tough shit.
So the truth is, I don't really like being single. Suuuuureee I get to spend a whole lot of time with my girlfriends, but it just doesn't fill this void that's missing. The Christian in me (which should be the largest part of me, but isn't always) tells me that my relationship with God is the most important thing... which is totally true; it is the most important thing... but forgive me for saying this, but is God going to hold me in his arms? Is God going to kiss my lips and neck and whisper in my ear? Is God going to spoon with me in my bed? No, probably not. And I know that if I was doing this Christian thing right I wouldn't have this massive void in my heart that needed to be filled, but clearly I'm doing something wrong, because a disgustingly large part of me is lonely, and longs for someone to share my life with.
Men have this power over us. They can make us feel nervous, giddy, and jealous. We'll be laughing with them one minute, and be crying over them the next. I've been there.. recently.
I believe that sometimes, we need to resist the pressure we feel and just be content without a man on our arm. Why should we need a guy to feel good about ourselves? We need to know ourselves better before we can commit ourselves to someone else. When you know yourself, you know what you want, and you wont settle for anything less just because you are lonely, or you want to achieve a sense of fulfillment. This is a lesson I've bees trying desperately to learn.
I don't need a man to feel good about myself. I don't need a passionate kiss to know that I am worth something. As much as being single hurts, it teaches you a lot: about who you are, what you want, and who you are waiting for. I believe there is a soul mate for everyone, and one day, those two souls will come together, and the voids will all be filled.
Until then, I am going to continue trying to get to know myself, and getting myself ready to be with the man God chooses to bring into my life; whoever he may be.
Hey hun,
ReplyDeleteIt’s Kristen from the Point! I don't think what you're feeling is wrong or bad in terms of wanting to have a boyfriend, being lonely or longing to share your life with someone - God made us for community and for relationships, so it's natural that we would long to share our lives with someone. It's true that our relationship with God is the most important thing, but God definitely doesn't physically hug or kiss us, or cuddle with us. Even though I am content with being single (at least most of the time…), I still have that longing for a boyfriend. I don’t think that’s going to fully go away.
I've been through some very tough battles with singleness as well, and for several years, even though I knew God was keeping me single for good reasons, I fought Him and resisted listening to Him saying "this is for your good" and tried to get a guy anyway. Eventually, I realized that God was trying to help me prepare to be a good girlfriend and wife by helping me to deal with some personal issues and trying to know myself better. It was a painful, long process, but I can tell you that God is faithful and loving, and even though we may cry and scream and kick at Him, it's definitely been worth it to know myself better and know that God truly does love me even when it doesn’t feel like it.
For what it's worth, I think it's great that you've realized you need to know yourself better before being with a guy. I pray that God would turn that into a passion to run after Him hard, trusting that He will bring the right guy into your life in His perfect timing. Also, if you want to chat more about this, I’d love to hang out with you and provide some hugs or encouragement or whatever. I love you!
P.S. Sorry about deleting my first comment, I didn't like a couple of the things I said there so I re-wrote it.