There are things I don't understand.
To be honest, there are a lot of things I don't understand.
I don't understand why a man will ask for a girl's number, then never call her. I don't understand why some guys think that they are always right. I don't understand most mathematical equations. I don't understand women who treat men as objects. I don't understand "nice bitches." I don't understand why Americans call rockets "smarties." Clearly, our smarties are actually smarties.
I don't understand why I get jealous when I see a guy I'm not even that interested in going after another woman. I don't understand why I need attention.
----------
I am intoxicated right now. In fact, I am so intoxicated, that writing this blog post is quite difficult. It's difficult because my hands are not working the way I want them to, so it's taking a lot of extra effort to type properly.
I'm most definitely drunk.
I like being drunk. I don't really know why... well, that's not entirely true. I like being drunk because my feet go numb. Yes, my feet.
----------
Sometimes, I get really self conscious. I think about how much weight I've gained in the last few years - it's kind of disgusting, when you think about it too long.
I also get self conscious because I feel like I'm not as pretty as other girls. I've always been this way. I don't know why.
----------
I need to be careful about what I say. Sometimes, what I say is taken out of context. I suppose that is true of most people, but, I hate it when it happens to me. I don't like being the bitch; especially when it's unintentional. I don't like it when people think that I am being malicious or dishonest. I always try to be honest.
I don't like fights over the internet or text messages... it gets too messy too quick.
To be honest, I don't really like text messages. I think they're destroying the way we communicate with each other. They serve their purpose, but they're destroying my psyche.
They're the over-thinker's worst nightmare.
----------
Sometimes, I get sad.
----------
Lately, I've been... well, I've been in this weird mood. This awkward, self conscious mood. There isn't really any other way to describe it.
----------
I feel lost.
I feel like I am walking down a path
Eyes covered with a blindfold.
I don't like it.
Ever feel that way?
Like you're going no where, fast.
Aimlessly wandering, with no direction.
I feel that way.
----------
It's 2:27am.
I am wearing blue mascara.
I am intoxicated.
----------
Once upon a time, there was a guy who told me I was brilliant.
I didn't believe him.
I still don't believe him.
You see, brilliance hasn't chosen to manifest itself in me. Maybe someday, but not right now.
If I were brilliant, I would be able to eloquently articulate what I aim to say. However, I am often unable to do such a thing.
----------
Sometimes, simplicity is the best thing. Stop trying to be funny (I tell myself).
----------
None of these things make any sense.
I have run out of words...
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Hollow Words
Empty and lost.
Broken and Confused.
Things I feel. These waves of emotions,
they make
no sense.
I've got a wonderful life in the palms of my hands but I feel as though the ground is falling beneath my feet.
Dazed and wandering.
I have no direction, my intuition's crushed. I'm walking around with my eyes closed, and I feel the need to rush.
What's the rush? When lost, take the time to find a way. When broken, slowly put the pieces back together. Sometimes, all you need is time.
----------
I need to take a serious look at my life and re-evaluate what I'm doing, and where I want to go. This feels like a bad thing, but I's imagine it's because I feel out of wack. In reality, this feeling is normal. (At least, I think it is...).
School is killing me slowly. I hate it. And the fact that I hate it is frustrating, because I love learning. I love knowledge. I just feel like I'm stuck and going no where. I know where I want to end up, but I've lost the path on how to get there. Can somebody get me a guide book? A 'University Degree for Dummies' maybe?
Sometimes, I wonder if I've ever really "had it all together."
Is that even possible?
Isn't there always something to work on? ... In a way that's cool, but in another it's depressing.
----------
I am really looking forward to the summer. For the first time in three years I am seriously anxious for the summer months back in Kitimat. To be doing nothing in a small town is normal. To be doing nothing in a city is sad. I'm sad.
I miss my family. I miss everything familiar. I miss being able to drive a vehicle to escape to my favourite hiding places. I don't have any hiding places in the city.
I am just lost.
I miss the nature; the trees and the water. I miss how close the stars feel.
----------
I need to quit rambling.
Broken and Confused.
Things I feel. These waves of emotions,
they make
no sense.
I've got a wonderful life in the palms of my hands but I feel as though the ground is falling beneath my feet.
Dazed and wandering.
I have no direction, my intuition's crushed. I'm walking around with my eyes closed, and I feel the need to rush.
What's the rush? When lost, take the time to find a way. When broken, slowly put the pieces back together. Sometimes, all you need is time.
----------
I need to take a serious look at my life and re-evaluate what I'm doing, and where I want to go. This feels like a bad thing, but I's imagine it's because I feel out of wack. In reality, this feeling is normal. (At least, I think it is...).
School is killing me slowly. I hate it. And the fact that I hate it is frustrating, because I love learning. I love knowledge. I just feel like I'm stuck and going no where. I know where I want to end up, but I've lost the path on how to get there. Can somebody get me a guide book? A 'University Degree for Dummies' maybe?
Sometimes, I wonder if I've ever really "had it all together."
Is that even possible?
Isn't there always something to work on? ... In a way that's cool, but in another it's depressing.
----------
I am really looking forward to the summer. For the first time in three years I am seriously anxious for the summer months back in Kitimat. To be doing nothing in a small town is normal. To be doing nothing in a city is sad. I'm sad.
I miss my family. I miss everything familiar. I miss being able to drive a vehicle to escape to my favourite hiding places. I don't have any hiding places in the city.
I am just lost.
I miss the nature; the trees and the water. I miss how close the stars feel.
----------
I need to quit rambling.
Poems
I wish I could write poetry.
I don't mean the kind of poetry that you write for your mom for her birthday, or for a lover who you've been with for a while. I wish I could really compose a work of art.
To be able to scribe thoughts into verse, plainly and honestly: that is what I want to do. If only I could break free from the rules of rhyme scheme and alliteration and metaphors. Maybe then I could truly express my thoughts through a poem.
I don't really like poetry.
I don't mean that, really. What I mean is, is that I don't enjoy analyzing poetry; like the way you used to in grade school.
To scrutinize a stanza seems meaningless. A poem's purpose is not to reflect an inherently true message, but instead, to invoke an emotion of the reader. Does it really matter what the poet intended? What matters is that the person engaging with the piece feels something.
Anything.
I wish I could write poetry.
The kind that make people feel something. The pure, honest emotions that each one of us harbours inside.
I don't mean the kind of poetry that you write for your mom for her birthday, or for a lover who you've been with for a while. I wish I could really compose a work of art.
To be able to scribe thoughts into verse, plainly and honestly: that is what I want to do. If only I could break free from the rules of rhyme scheme and alliteration and metaphors. Maybe then I could truly express my thoughts through a poem.
I don't really like poetry.
I don't mean that, really. What I mean is, is that I don't enjoy analyzing poetry; like the way you used to in grade school.
To scrutinize a stanza seems meaningless. A poem's purpose is not to reflect an inherently true message, but instead, to invoke an emotion of the reader. Does it really matter what the poet intended? What matters is that the person engaging with the piece feels something.
Anything.
I wish I could write poetry.
The kind that make people feel something. The pure, honest emotions that each one of us harbours inside.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Of the Top of My Head
Was I naive to believe that
This guy would ever call?
He kissed my face
With style and grace
But didn't care for me at all.
I am afraid of looking weak
and I am terrified to admit,
That though my chances were awful bleak
I had hoped he liked me, just a bit.
Fast forward a smidge
Lets skip to the point
Quite frankly, this dude is wack.
Since he couldn't give two shits about me,
He means nothing to me right back.
This guy would ever call?
He kissed my face
With style and grace
But didn't care for me at all.
I am afraid of looking weak
and I am terrified to admit,
That though my chances were awful bleak
I had hoped he liked me, just a bit.
Fast forward a smidge
Lets skip to the point
Quite frankly, this dude is wack.
Since he couldn't give two shits about me,
He means nothing to me right back.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Chix-Gotta-Lotta-Thoughts...
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I have tried many times to put my thoughts onto paper (er, onto the internet, in this specific case), but I've been so frazzled and mixed up that nothing has come out as artistically or definitive as would have liked. However, I have decided to screw the desire for any kind of structural accuracy or flow and just write exactly what I'm feeling in any way I feel necessary.
Ready? Good... because I'm not so sure I am.
First things first: Let's talk about men.
I did a little look-see, and the last blog entry I wrote was about some radio guy that I was really into. As you probably could've guessed, things
didn't
quite
work
out.
Which, honestly, is a good thing. At least, I'm assuming it is a good thing.
Anyways, after him I started liking this other guy... I'll call him guitar Joe. I met guitar Joe at church last year, but I didn't start getting to know him until last semester. Soon enough, he began to
consume
my mind. He was all I could think about. I decided that since we were friends, I should start being a bit flirty with him so he could get the message that I was into him. I made this guy cookies (I hear baking is a big HI I LIKE YOU sign), I made him dinners, I stared at him relentlessly whenever he spoke, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair, made funny jokes and laughed at all his, showed lots of cleavage (once or twice)... man, I used all the "subtle-but-not-so-sublte" flirting tricks I could think of. I was constantly thinking up new ways for him to get the hint that I liked him.
Finally,
I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of him. Quite honestly, I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of
ANY guy - not just guitar Joe.
So I prayed.
I prayed that God would give me a reason not to like guitar Joe. I told Him that I was fed up with being completely consumed. I prayed God would let me see something awful in Joe, or make him do something to annoy me... shine a light on anything at all that would make me stop liking him.
Let me just say this... God works in
Mysterious ways...
The Next day, guitar Joe came over. He was sitting across the table from me. All of a sudden, it was like a beam of light was flashed over him, and I noticed things I had never seen before.
His head is really big.
Wow, his arms are ridiculously short.
My Lord, this guy looks like a midget.
Now, you might think I'm a shallow bitch for thinking these things, and maybe I am.. but suddenly I was no longer attracted to this guy. I considered it an answer to prayer and thanked the Maker for being go gracious to me.
For the first time in what felt like forever I didn't like anybody. I had no boy to think about. I had no one to stress over. I had nobody to try and look good for.
I
Had
No
Boy!
I went on holidays absolutely stress free.
I came back absolutely stress free.
I started school absolutely stress free.
I went about a month and a half where I was convinced I liked nobody.
That all came to a halt.
Mind you, not a
screeching halt... just a bit of a speed bump.
I started getting to know this guy, we'll call him Eric. Eric is another guy from church. This guy has always been a complete mystery to me. I'd always been a little bit intimidated of him because he's so intelligent and knows his Bible really well. Anyways, I started getting to know him, and the more I talked to him, the more I liked.
He's so
interesting. He is always surprising me with the things he says.
However, I pushed him out of my mind and decided that I just wanted to get to know him and be friends. Which has been working great thus far, if I do say so myself.
So, after all this liking boys and then praying to stop liking boys; then liking boys again and not liking them again dance I was doing was starting to get old. So, finally I cut my feelings off cold turkey as said enough
is
enough. And that was that. For Now.
Second things next: Myself.
I had a bit of a melt down the other night. Remember guitar Joe? Well, we were hanging out the other night (cause we're still really good friends), and we were talking about dating and relationships and stuff. Then
he said something that really struck me. He said something along the lines of
'it's stupid when girls pour out their lives on the table for anybody to see. A guy should have to work for information, not just have it given to them...'
He then proceeded to tell me examples of girls that kept their lives private and how much he respected those girls because they kept themselves guarded and they were smart.
I was devastated.
I am not like that. I am not like that at all. In fact, my life is open to basically anybody who cares enough to know or ask.
I share myself.
I let people in.
I am always myself.
I very quickly began to re-analyze my entire way of living. Was I doing it wrong?
Am I too willing to let people know me?
Am I too trusting?
Am I stupid?
Do all guys think this way?
Should I change?
Holy Shit.
Now, this might not seem like that huge of a deal... but it was for me at the time. I have always been this way. I've always been the open and honest person about the things that go on in my life. I'm the first to tell you how I've screwed up. I'm willing to share almost anything people want to know. (Mind you, there are SOMEthings that are obviously private, I'm not weird and have no secrets...). I can tell you all about my downfalls, and I'll make fun of myself for them. I'll tell you about all the losers I've dated and why you should learn from my dumb-ass mistakes. I'll tell you about the friendships I've had and how bad it hurt when they were lost. I have a lot of stories, and I'll share them when provoked. I am open, it's who I am. It's who I've been trained to be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. You can see my emotions all over my face. I am really easy to read.
NOW I find out that maybe I shouldn't be that way. Maybe how I've been all of these years is wrong, and that people don't appreciate the openness.
GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
Now what am I supposed to do, CHANGE MY PERSONALITY?
I went home and ate 500mLs of ice cream and listened to sad music because I felt useless.
What if every guy out there felt the same way that guitar Joe did? No wonder I haven't found a quality guy.
Well... I don't know what happened, but I must have had good dreams or something, because after a really good sleep and a long shower I felt all my worries wash away.
I let everything go
down
the
drain.
And it felt good.
Ready? Good... because I'm not so sure I am.
First things first: Let's talk about men.
I did a little look-see, and the last blog entry I wrote was about some radio guy that I was really into. As you probably could've guessed, things
didn't
quite
work
out.
Which, honestly, is a good thing. At least, I'm assuming it is a good thing.
Anyways, after him I started liking this other guy... I'll call him guitar Joe. I met guitar Joe at church last year, but I didn't start getting to know him until last semester. Soon enough, he began to
consume
my mind. He was all I could think about. I decided that since we were friends, I should start being a bit flirty with him so he could get the message that I was into him. I made this guy cookies (I hear baking is a big HI I LIKE YOU sign), I made him dinners, I stared at him relentlessly whenever he spoke, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair, made funny jokes and laughed at all his, showed lots of cleavage (once or twice)... man, I used all the "subtle-but-not-so-sublte" flirting tricks I could think of. I was constantly thinking up new ways for him to get the hint that I liked him.
Finally,
I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of him. Quite honestly, I got sick and tired of being consumed by thoughts of
ANY guy - not just guitar Joe.
So I prayed.
I prayed that God would give me a reason not to like guitar Joe. I told Him that I was fed up with being completely consumed. I prayed God would let me see something awful in Joe, or make him do something to annoy me... shine a light on anything at all that would make me stop liking him.
Let me just say this... God works in
Mysterious ways...
The Next day, guitar Joe came over. He was sitting across the table from me. All of a sudden, it was like a beam of light was flashed over him, and I noticed things I had never seen before.
His head is really big.
Wow, his arms are ridiculously short.
My Lord, this guy looks like a midget.
Now, you might think I'm a shallow bitch for thinking these things, and maybe I am.. but suddenly I was no longer attracted to this guy. I considered it an answer to prayer and thanked the Maker for being go gracious to me.
For the first time in what felt like forever I didn't like anybody. I had no boy to think about. I had no one to stress over. I had nobody to try and look good for.
I
Had
No
Boy!
I went on holidays absolutely stress free.
I came back absolutely stress free.
I started school absolutely stress free.
I went about a month and a half where I was convinced I liked nobody.
That all came to a halt.
Mind you, not a
screeching halt... just a bit of a speed bump.
I started getting to know this guy, we'll call him Eric. Eric is another guy from church. This guy has always been a complete mystery to me. I'd always been a little bit intimidated of him because he's so intelligent and knows his Bible really well. Anyways, I started getting to know him, and the more I talked to him, the more I liked.
He's so
interesting. He is always surprising me with the things he says.
However, I pushed him out of my mind and decided that I just wanted to get to know him and be friends. Which has been working great thus far, if I do say so myself.
So, after all this liking boys and then praying to stop liking boys; then liking boys again and not liking them again dance I was doing was starting to get old. So, finally I cut my feelings off cold turkey as said enough
is
enough. And that was that. For Now.
Second things next: Myself.
I had a bit of a melt down the other night. Remember guitar Joe? Well, we were hanging out the other night (cause we're still really good friends), and we were talking about dating and relationships and stuff. Then
he said something that really struck me. He said something along the lines of
'it's stupid when girls pour out their lives on the table for anybody to see. A guy should have to work for information, not just have it given to them...'
He then proceeded to tell me examples of girls that kept their lives private and how much he respected those girls because they kept themselves guarded and they were smart.
I was devastated.
I am not like that. I am not like that at all. In fact, my life is open to basically anybody who cares enough to know or ask.
I share myself.
I let people in.
I am always myself.
I very quickly began to re-analyze my entire way of living. Was I doing it wrong?
Am I too willing to let people know me?
Am I too trusting?
Am I stupid?
Do all guys think this way?
Should I change?
Holy Shit.
Now, this might not seem like that huge of a deal... but it was for me at the time. I have always been this way. I've always been the open and honest person about the things that go on in my life. I'm the first to tell you how I've screwed up. I'm willing to share almost anything people want to know. (Mind you, there are SOMEthings that are obviously private, I'm not weird and have no secrets...). I can tell you all about my downfalls, and I'll make fun of myself for them. I'll tell you about all the losers I've dated and why you should learn from my dumb-ass mistakes. I'll tell you about the friendships I've had and how bad it hurt when they were lost. I have a lot of stories, and I'll share them when provoked. I am open, it's who I am. It's who I've been trained to be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. You can see my emotions all over my face. I am really easy to read.
NOW I find out that maybe I shouldn't be that way. Maybe how I've been all of these years is wrong, and that people don't appreciate the openness.
GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
Now what am I supposed to do, CHANGE MY PERSONALITY?
I went home and ate 500mLs of ice cream and listened to sad music because I felt useless.
What if every guy out there felt the same way that guitar Joe did? No wonder I haven't found a quality guy.
Well... I don't know what happened, but I must have had good dreams or something, because after a really good sleep and a long shower I felt all my worries wash away.
I let everything go
down
the
drain.
And it felt good.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Captivate Me
I like this guy.
A lot.
Remember the one I told you about? The 32 year old.
Yeah.
I
Really
Like him.
It's kind of sad... no, it's really sad. It's sad because he's not interested in me. It's sad because he cant know how I feel about him. It's sad because I cant put myself out there too much.
I like him.
Interesting and funny.
He captivates me.
I cannot get enough. I soak up everything he says like a sponge that's been brittle for years. Stupid? Yeah, I probably am. But I don't even care. Where is there a rule that states that a girl cant like a guy who's 12 years older? Where's the rule stating a guy has to be interested in a girl before she can like him? Show me, and I'll abide by them; but until then, I am going to go by my gut, heart and head. All three say like him.
A lot.
Remember the one I told you about? The 32 year old.
Yeah.
I
Really
Like him.
It's kind of sad... no, it's really sad. It's sad because he's not interested in me. It's sad because he cant know how I feel about him. It's sad because I cant put myself out there too much.
I like him.
Interesting and funny.
He captivates me.
I cannot get enough. I soak up everything he says like a sponge that's been brittle for years. Stupid? Yeah, I probably am. But I don't even care. Where is there a rule that states that a girl cant like a guy who's 12 years older? Where's the rule stating a guy has to be interested in a girl before she can like him? Show me, and I'll abide by them; but until then, I am going to go by my gut, heart and head. All three say like him.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Shit Happens; I Wish I Knew the Reasons
When bad things happen in a small town, it REALLY matters. Even if you don't really know the people that something has happened to, you still feel a deep sense of sadness, because you're connected to them through your town.
That's how I feel right now.
A couple of nights ago, someone broke into a couple's house and stabbed them both. Why any person would be compelled to do this, I don't know.
A husband and wife.
These people were kind and lovely. She was a banker. He is a crane man at Alcan; and he survived.
Her life was taken from here. She did not pass away, she did not go peacefully. Her life was stolen. It isn't fair. She was a beautiful woman. She just became a grandmother... Now she's just a memory.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a
Reason,
But right now, I'm having a really hard time trying to justify that belief.... because what could the reason for this travesty be? God brings good from everything, but how can this bring anything but hurt?
I wish I knew the reasons for everything, it would make things hurt less.
That's how I feel right now.
A couple of nights ago, someone broke into a couple's house and stabbed them both. Why any person would be compelled to do this, I don't know.
A husband and wife.
These people were kind and lovely. She was a banker. He is a crane man at Alcan; and he survived.
Her life was taken from here. She did not pass away, she did not go peacefully. Her life was stolen. It isn't fair. She was a beautiful woman. She just became a grandmother... Now she's just a memory.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a
Reason,
But right now, I'm having a really hard time trying to justify that belief.... because what could the reason for this travesty be? God brings good from everything, but how can this bring anything but hurt?
I wish I knew the reasons for everything, it would make things hurt less.
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