Flustered

I'm flustered whenever I think about him.
      It's annoying and wonderful at the same time.
Nobody's ever... I mean, I've never... been so flustered.

All sexy and beautiful.  His game is impeccable.
My self control is being tested, big time.

The message rings loud and clear in my head, but my guts churn and I cant turn away.   I'd swear I've been flying, but my brain's keeping me grounded.

Thanks, brain.
...Seriously.

Damn These Morals

The title speaks for itself.

My Message to the Mis-Informed

You say that people should get married young because of sex. To me, this screams immaturity. How can you think that this is a good enough reason to promise to someone that you are going to devote you life to them as long as you live; till forever...

I understand that sex is an important part of being married, and you’re right when you say that it is a stumbling block for young people. Forget young people, it’s a stumbling block for all people. But sex is not just a prize to be won, and it’s not simply a goal that to be reached. Should we want sex? Yes. Should that be the reason we get married? Hell no.

Don’t you think that people should be able to practice a little bit of self control and keep their hormones in check? If being a virgin is something that is important to you, then it’s a value you’ll hold on to as long as you can. If you fall easy to temptation, then how important was this value to you in the first place? There are always going to be obstacles for you to overcome, but God doesn’t throw things at us that we can’t handle. And are you naive enough to believe that once you’re married there aren’t going to be sexual temptations from other women other than your wife? Married people struggle with sexual temptation too. Just because you’re “allowed” to have sex when you’re married, doesn’t mean all the temptations go away... And it doesn’t mean you’re gonna be able to have sex whenever you want. There is more to being married than the passionate act of love. 

Marriage is hard. Ask anybody. Even the best marriages have their trials. Getting married young means that you are going to have more years of those trials. Getting married young means that you don’t know the person as well as you would if you waited a bit longer before you married them. Do you want there to be a ton of surprises when you marry a person? I want the man I marry to be my best friend, not just my object for sexual desires. 

Getting married just to have sex shows personal and spiritual immaturity. Grow up a little bit.

Marriage is a life long commitment. When you get married, it’s not just your bodies that become one through sex, your souls become one too. You’re connected to that person. You have to be willing to accept that person for everything they are, their faults and all. You have to be accepting of them, and love them in spite of all their flaws. You have to trust them and be comfortable with them. You have to have a friendship, a strong emotional base to always fall back on when the passion isn’t there (because guess what, the passion wont always be there). You have to be able to talk with them, console them when they’re sad, and laugh with them when they’re happy. You have to understand their hopes and dreams, and be part of those. You have to compromise and change. Sometimes, getting married at a young age robs you of these opportunities, and you have to make up for it when you’re already married. How hard would that be? I cant even imagine.

Sex is a wonderful thing, at least, that’s what people keep telling me. I believe them too, because sex is a gift from God. But this gift is meant to be all things beautiful and holy. Yes, holy. If the only reason you’re getting married is to receive the gift, then its purpose is tarnished.

God has a plan. Maybe his plan for you is to get married when you're 35, or maybe it's in 2 years. In any case, the reason you get married shouldn't be to bang your wife, it should be because you love her.

It's Not Fair

I still think about him... all the time.

Okay, not all the time.  But it's often enough that warrants a bit of concern.  It's so stupid.  

     Stupid that I get jealous when I see photos of him with other girls online.  Photos of girls who are uglier than me.  None of it makes sense. 

I would have done anything to be with him, but that was then.  Now, I would give anything to keep away from him.  But then the memories come.  The dreams and feelings of romance, passion and comfort.  The lies I told myself then, still haunt me now.  Years later, and I am plagued with thoughts of him; images of him; longings for him.

I don't understand it.  I cant grasp these feelings; they're too quick, too sharp.  Him lying was the best thing for me, it gave me freedom. 

Why has the freedom compromised itself? 

I don't want him.  Nothing in me needs him.  Even-still, the thoughts come.

Get out of my head.

Story Rhymes like Old Times

Some little things change but the premise stays the same: bitches be crazy, we play our silly games.

He likes her but she shows no interest.  This guy'll keep tryin': risk it to get the biscuit.

Get'im out'a here, she don't want yo business.  How can I say dis boy, you ain't on her wish list.
       
          This poor sucker'll keep pressin' till there's no more to be done.  Then her force'll spring back, and

          another round she's won.

The crazy fool wont quit, he think's the prize is worth the struggle.  But this girl's got'im beat and be    

          makes another fumble.

But when this boy is down and feels like he should quit, something unexpected happens: an

          unforeseeable shift.

A satin hand reaches down to his, fingers soon intwined.

He picks himself up and leaves the past behind.

Questions and Things...

Could you handle a long distance relationship?

If both of us were willing to make it work, and we already had a solid foundation, then yes.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?

There probably is, unfortunately. 

Do you laugh a lot?

Most of the time.

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

She's a friend of mine :)

Do you think you're pregnant?

Most definitely.. NOT.

You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?

Since I already have my nose, I'd get my tongue. Does that count? If not, then my lip.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?

"Stand by Me" on my foot, scripture on my right wrist and blue butterflies on my right shoulder onto my neck.

Could you cry right now?

If I really really tried, probably.

Who was your last text from?

Becca, I think

Who is your fifteenth text from?

I'm not getting up to check my phone

In the past week, have you cried?

I don't think so!

Do you like hugs and kisses?

Obviously.

Has there been anyone particular on your mind at all today?

Nope.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?

Generally happy.

Have you ever gone to court?

Nope.

Anyone you’re looking forward to seeing soon?

YES.

What did you do today?

watched tv, ate, chilled. The day is young.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Oh, of course.

Does anyone disgust you?

Yep.

What’s something you can’t wait for?

Going back to kitimat.

If you see someone you know do you wave at them?

Yep.

Look at some pictures/posters in your room, who’s on them?

In my room in the apartment, there's 4 posters and a Bolivian flag. 

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

The answering machine at my parent's house.

Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yes

Have you ever worked in a food place?

Nope.

Are your lips chapped?

No

What is something that you don't like about the room you're in?

It's really cold.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed on the lips?

Yep.

Is your room ever clean?

it's been really clean lately because of all the showings.

Do you drink bottled water?

Not that often.

Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Not really.

Do you hate the last person who called you?

Nope.

If you are being extremely quiet, what does that mean?

I'm sad, tired, or have nothing to say on the matter.

What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

was on the laptop

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?

Honestly, I really don't think so.

List three things near you?

Jacket, lamp, book.

Is your birthday soon?

In just over a month!

Do you like winter?

Sometimes.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

A few weeks ago.

What's bothering you right now?

How cold this room is.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?

SFU hoodie

What's your favorite song at the moment?:

Hm, I don't know!

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

Oh yes.

Are you currently frustrated with someone?

No, not really.

The phone rings. What do you say?

Hellooo?

Did you sleep alone last night?

Yep

Last thing you drank?

Tea.

Do you like surprises?

If they're good ones, you bet!

How old do you look?

I think I look my age.

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them?

Yes.

I'll bet you are afraid of roller coasters.

Yes, but I really really love riding them.

Do you miss anything or anyone?

Most definitely: my family, friends and Kitimat.

Do you think "I love you" are strong words?

yes

How was your weekend?

It's been good so far

Have you ever watched a movie in another language?

Yep.

I bet you're going to kiss someone tonight, right?

Nope.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?

Margaret

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I couldn't tell ya! 

Gotten high in the past week?

Nope.

Have you ever had stitches?

Nope.

How did you sleep last night?

Really well!

How tall is the last person you kissed?

Hm... I'd guess about 5'9"-10"

Do you have any pictures on your wall?

Not anymore :( I took them down cause I'm moving soon.

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah, sometimes.

Did your last kiss mean anything?

Sure... I really wanted to make out with someone, hah! But emotionally? No, not at all.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?

Oh, most definitely.

I Hate Myself and...

I find myself in this impeccable paradox; I am caught between two worlds.  Technophobe or technophile?  To text or not to text?  To Facebook creep, or not to Facebook creep?  These questions haunt me with each new man I meet and become infatuated with.  There are rules to follow, and games to play, and quite honestly, I am exhausted from them.  I am tired of trying to think of witty things to ask or say in order to capture a man’s attention with high hopes that he will respond in a quick and satisfying manner.  Technology has taken over my life.  I hate what it’s done to me.  I hate it so much.  

  What happened to the days where you could talk with someone face to face?  What happened to the days where there were no Facebook profiles to keep tabs on a person every second of every hour?  What happened to the days where if you wanted to talk so someone, you could call them on their phone, and if you didn’t reach them, you left a message? (Okay, so that last one there is a bit of a stretch, but you see what I’m trying to say here...).  What I am trying to get at is that technology is making it so much more difficult for people to have a relationship with someone.  Technology is making people miserable.  Technology is turning me into a crazy person.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love technology.  I realize I haven’t been clear about that... But I really do love technology.  Honestly, the thing’s I’ve mentioned like Facebook and text messaging play a significant role in my daily life.  These things help me stay in touch with friends and family, keep up with things that are going on in the world around me, and abuse my right to freedom of speech.  The technologies themselves are wonderful inventions.  The men who invented these things should get a medal, if they haven’t already.  It’s not the inventions that I have an issue with.  The issue lies in what the inventions do to me.

  It’s because of technology that I become incredibly obsessed over men.  It’s because of Facebook that I feel a false sense of closeness to a man who I’ve only met once, and am crushed when he doesn’t return the interest; and it’s because of Facebook that I stoop into a state of incredible jealousy whenever I see these men in question post comments on other girl’s walls or “like” their beautiful profile pictures.  If it were not for text messaging, then I would not be in a constant wondering of what he is doing or who he is with, and why he isn’t returning my messages!

  This is where my quandary presents itself with the uttermost discomfort.  If I am unhappy with what these technologies are doing to my psyche, then why don’t I just get rid of them?  The answer is simple: Because I can’t.

     I hate myself, and want to text.  I hate myself, and want to creep.